Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.