good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
You Might Also Like
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
finally found a reasonable question
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes