Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again