[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.