Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Worth the read.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me when my alarm goes off
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place