I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?