applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?