warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Boating season is upon us.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.