Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
even bears disappoint their mothers
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)