Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
how much does a mortician urn in a year
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s