[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money