“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Whoa 😂
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”