If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Breaking news:
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.