My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
OH. COME. ON.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.