me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.