I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes