Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?