Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet