No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
fr
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.