What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
🙂🐾
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My life coach traded me.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.