It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?