The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Canada has crack?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
i meant to share this earlier
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite