The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
lol
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
his wife is probably gonna see that
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Worth remembering.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.