if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
finally found a reasonable question
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.