I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.