Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
shampoo implies shampee
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations