Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.