My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
You Might Also Like
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.