Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
2022: I can fix it
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”