man i love columbo
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…