Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
titanic
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.