LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”