Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?