Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
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I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Ummm
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.