[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Running from your problems is cardio .
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster