I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I love wikipedia
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Namaste
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.