I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.