My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.