Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.