…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Strange
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through