*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
*cough*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit