Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I love you…
…r dog.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?