Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
lmfao come on
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.