I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.