This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I would like even faster food.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.