I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
This forever.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.