When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Yup
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
this is the greatest thing ever
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew