Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
You Might Also Like
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”