Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m about to risk it all
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”