Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Sharon I have some bad news
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.